The Happy and the Sad

People have asked me what the most challenging thing has been since I came here. It is hard to say. I am constantly in a state of over-stimulation that it is hard for me to sort through my experiences and reflect on the day’s events. In three weeks I have seen so much, I have seen so many differences and many similarities. I will get back to this.

Personally, I don’t feel like I have changed that much. Perhaps I have grown a bit in patience and understanding, I have gained knowledge in certain areas – but who I am, the characteristics I had before I left – have not changed. I have realized that I have much to do with my life. A verse from the Bible says – to he has been given much, much will be asked. I think about that a lot. I think about how I can change parts of health care that I don’t agree with, or that I feel need improvement.

The hardest thing for me so far happened on Friday June 5. A woman, 21, found out she was HIV +. I was in the room sitting across the desk from her. I didn’t know what she was saying after she found out, but I didn’t have to know. I could empathize with how she was feeling, and it made me feel a little sick. She is my age. This could be me if I grew up here. How ridiculous. How unfair. How scary. I can see how easy it is to lose hope and faith for these women newly diagnosed. How can they ever face the fact they are positive? How does anyone live happily again? I don’t know. When I put myself in that position all I feel is fear and anger.

I am more interested in the counseling of HIV + people. Before I left for Kenya I met with two public health nurses working in the STI department in Waterloo Public Health. I think this is something I would like to do. It seems like we are so desensitized to HIV in Canada now, since we know about it and hear about it so much. But unless you have a face to put on HIV, you can’t really know or feel what it might be like.

However, to balance the sadness is also one of the happiest things that I have experienced thus far, and it comes in the form of a small girl named Filigona. She lives on the compound I am at, but her parents live elsewhere. I don’t know how to describe her other than the cutest girl I have ever seen. She has such a beautiful face and such a cute little laugh. I try to play with her as often as possible. She enjoys piggy back rides and the “airplane” (when you lift a child up with your two feet and hold their hands). She likes to play with my hair, or I should say put my hair in front of my face until I can’t see. She thinks the freckles on my arms are dirt so she picks at them, which is actually kind of painful, but still really cute. She rolls the “r” when she says “Kath-rine”, which is adorable, and she likes to touch my face. She makes me very happy, and she really makes me want to have a child of my own (don’t worry mom and dad, I know now is not the right time).

Anyways, that has been some highlights and lowlights. Many more to come…